milk, absence of & M83

milk, absence of

he didn’t go out for milk he

went out to get this weird

paste that he put on a plate

in the kitchen. he

sat me down on a tall chair and

slid the plate across the table.

eat it.

all of it.

the stuff was pink and slimy

and i looked towards the

door uncertainly – but it was

just my dad and me in the

kitchen, the house ticking and

both us wishing for milk.

eat it –

he pressed on

trout-eyed

the pupil blackening

the entire iris like oil

slowly pooling into the ocean.

he gave me a fork, suddenly;

he’d forgotten, he stood up

and rumbled in the drawers,

silver fork in my stiff hand.

and my chair was creaky. my

plate was wobbly on the

uneven countertop and my father cleared

his throat so loudly the lightshade sputtered

shattered outwards the lights shuttered out.

i ate

in the dark.

i watched him watch me do it

the light from the dishwasher bouncing

off my fork onto his darkened face.

it tasted fine.

M83

grow up! 

if the teddy bear starts speaking,

fuck,

you know something's wrong. 

don't give me those eyes. 

get out of bed. 

open the shutters it's not right to be in the dark like this. 

yes i know they only glow in the dark. 

then all you have to do is wait. 

it'll be night soon. 

i'm sorry. 

sometimes mummy's in a bad mood. 

you know i get a little warped. 

you know the city's got a way of getting in the way. 

the kitchen's a mess. 

i'm sorry my love. 

i'll grow another arm so i can still carry you when you're big. 

how's that sound?

but you have to come out of your room. 

teddy doesn't know better than i do. 

i promise. 

well, just look at him. 

no, i know he's sad but everyone's sad. 

listen, if you don't come for breakfast i'll put teddy on a time out. 

you won't see him all day. 

her. 

sorry. 

come on let's get you dressed. 

if you don't make a fuss you can have broccoli instead of green beans tonight. 

i'll teach you to ride a bike tomorrow. 

we'll go to the park next to school. 

no?

why not?

teddy can come too. 

he's six feet tall in our life now anyway. 

but don't drag him through the mud. 

her. 

now you have some breakfast,

mummy's got to go somewhere. 

see someone. 

about something. 

a man about a dog. 

be back in five minutes. 

i know but this time it's true, five minutes. 

there's juice in the fridge. 

put your bowl in the sink when you're finished, alright, love?

yes, well maybe you'll eat quickly, i don't know. 

just a minute, love. 

wait here, just a minute. 

(got the street in my skull. 

feet glued to the pavement, not sure. 

got to do something about teddy.

her head's gone.

not teddy's, the girl's; 

lifted like a hot air balloon above the skyline.)

mummy's not feeling well. 

(smoking my cigarette by the oak tree outside. 

girl. girl, get a grip. 

not on the bark, you'll get it under your nails. 

girl, shake the roadworks off.) 

girl. girl, mummy needs a break. 

fork in the cereal, 

why do you insist on the fork,

you're just going to waste the milk. 

girl. mummy needs a breather, okay?

just a minute. 

(out the door again. 

mummy needs to stop.

mummy needs the man at the petrol station to be nicer. 

can't help being snappy. 

had a rough day. 

a rough however many years.

left my girl at home. 

can't help being all snotty and fevered. 

something's got to give. 

need him to stop staring at me i'm not going to collapse. 

stop shrieking it's just a star blinking out it happens all the time you just don't notice. 

teddy get out of here. 

teddy you're not supposed to be here. 

i don't know what you're saying. 

are you speaking german?

i don't understand czech. 

just go back home. 

or make yourself useful, tell the man behind the counter to stop crouching by the woman on the floor. 

tell the woman to get up, she's holding up the queue.

get the girl to open the shutters. 

it's no good, 

teddy bears don't talk.)